编者按:作者是位英国爸爸,在中国生活多年,他观察到中国父母与子女的相处之道,用他的话说“Not right, not wrong, just different.”不关乎对错,只是有不同,大家来看看这位英国爸爸的育儿观,或许能引起我们中国家长的反思。

平等的亲子关系

Bonding: Western fathers are keen to take an equal role in parenting. They recognise their responsibility as a new dad, and are committed early to sharing every family task with the mother. It is common to see a proud western father walking outside, on their own, with their tiny baby. Western dad’s know that this time is special, and the mother needs to relax and feel confident to trust the dad with the baby. Perhaps because fewer western women breast-feed their offspring, father and baby can travel independently, without reliance on mother’s milk.

英国爸爸的育儿观

亲子关系:英国爸爸们更愿意在为人父母上充当平等的角色。他们对爸爸的角色入戏很快,并且很乐意和妈妈一起分担每一项家庭任务。在英国你经常会看到爸爸独自带着他们的小小孩在外闲逛,因为爸爸们知道,这个亲子时刻非常特别,而且妈妈们也需要松口气并且可以相信爸爸能带好孩子。也可能是因为英国妈妈们实施母乳喂养的并不太多,所以爸爸和孩子可以一起更独立的探索世界。

不坐月子

No laying-in: Immediately after the birth, the family are keen to share their happiness and show-off their new arrival. There are no restrictions for mother or baby. Westerners are confused with this Chinese tradition.

不坐月子:英国宝宝一出生,整个家庭都会迫不及待的告诉所有人他们的快乐,把宝宝带出来见人。不管对妈妈还是孩子,都没有什么禁忌。西方对中国人坐月子的传统表示很不理解。

编者注:英国妈妈和中国妈妈怀孕生宝宝的习惯很不一样,关于这点大家可以阅读《说说我在英国怀孕生孩子的那些事,孕产中西文化大对比》一文了解。

培养宝贝独立性

Independence: Generally western children are encouraged to become independent much earlier. Both in the home and school environment, there is less control, and more trust. In later life, the same philosophy is accepted by both parents and children. There is no filial piety (孝) expected or given. Beyond 18 years-old, this independence extends to finance, marriage, career choice, lifestyle, political & religious allegiance. Your responsibilities as a parent are finished – hurray!

英国爸爸的育儿观

独立:英国孩子普遍更早开始学习如何独立。不管在家还是在学校,整个环境都是很少限制或控制,更多的是信任。孩子成长的路上,这个理念一直贯穿父母和孩子自己的脑海中。在西方文化中,没有孝这个概念,没人期待谁对自己孝顺,也没有想对谁孝顺。到了18岁,孩子独立成年,这个独立包括财务、婚姻、职业选择、生活方式、政治观点、宗教信仰……都是孩子自己的事儿!而你作为父母的义务和责任此时就画上句号!哦耶!

对孩子无条件的爱

Unconditional love: This policy separates the amount of love the parents gives to their child, from the child’s performance & behaviour. Love isn’t rewarded or denied based on academic results, or social behaviour. Every child should know that, whatever they achieve, however good or bad they are, their mother and father will love them just the same.

无条件的爱:这一条明确表示,父母爱孩子多少与孩子的行为和表现没有关系。父母对孩子的爱不是学习成绩或者行为举止的奖励或惩罚。每个孩子都应该知道,不管他们成不成功,不管他们是好是坏,父母的爱永远不变。

多陪孩子 少花钱

Mean with money, generous with time: Spending time with your child, sharing the world through their eyes, encouraging and developing their interests and imagination. In families with more than one child, it is common for the siblings to re-use the same equipment and clothes from their older brothers and sisters. This is seen as both financially efficient, and environmentally friendly. Babies grow so quickly that few things have a chance to wear out.

英国爸爸的育儿观

少花钱,多花时间:多陪伴你的孩子,从他们的视角和他们一起分享这个世界的点点滴滴,发现并鼓励孩子的兴趣和想象力。在英国,如果家里有不止一个孩子,弟弟妹妹们经常就重复利用哥哥姐姐们用过的东西,穿他们穿不下的衣服,玩他们玩过的玩具,既节约又环保。要知道孩子们长得不要太快,没什么东西真的有机会让一个孩子就给用旧了的。

开诚布公地与孩子交流

Open communication: Primarily, listening and talking; in every situation. Discussion and openness with daily events, both at home, and in their world. Sharing thoughts and feelings, expectations and dreams. When my son was a little boy, I was responsible for bedtime. This meant I must be home from work by 6:30pm every night, and establish the regular routine; bath, brush teeth, pyjamas, into bed, ‘best & worst bits’, story reading or telling, light off, sing lullaby, sleep.

‘Best & worst bits’ was sharing the good and bad things that happened on that particular day. I believe that mutual respect between parent and child can only be achieved through talking, and more importantly, listening. You do not have to always agree with what they say, but to hear what they think is a big step towards understanding their behaviour. This is doubly important in the teenage years.

英国爸爸的育儿观

开诚布公:任何时候,不论是听还是说,都做到开诚布公。在家或者各自的事务中,每一段日常事务都一起公开讨论。通过诚恳开放的交流,分享的不仅是想法或是感受,还有期望和梦想。我儿子还小的时候,我的任务是每天晚上负责他的睡前时间。这就表示我必须每天在6点半就要到家,然后执行睡觉仪式的每个环节:洗澡、刷牙、换睡衣、上床、最好的事和最糟的事、讲故事、关灯、唱歌、睡觉……

最好的事和最糟的事是让孩子说出当天他所经历的最好的事情和最坏的事情。我相信父母和孩子之间的相互尊重只有通过沟通来实现,一方面是表达,而更重要的是倾听。你不用时时刻刻都赞成他们的观点,但是认真听孩子说完他们的想法是理解他们的行为举止的关键一步。这点对十几岁在青春期的孩子来说,更为重要。

父母自己带孩子

Parental control & discipline: Grandparents and extended family have less influence in the daily life of most western children. They live apart, and see them less frequently. It is the parents who take the major caring role. This means the children learn the expected rules of behaviour directly from their parents.

谁带孩子:对绝大多数英国孩子来说,爷爷奶奶辈或者其他大家族成员对他们日常生活的影响力要小得多。他们各自生活,也并不常见面,真正照顾孩子日常起居的是父母自己。这也意味着孩子直接会从父母身上学到行为规矩。

对托儿所和幼儿园的态度

Nursery (Kindergarten): Most western women return to work after maternity-leave, so that many children are placed in professional day-care, either supplied by the employer, or funded privately by the parents. This is an early introduction to the child’s need to be independent.

英国爸爸的育儿观

托儿所/幼儿园:多数英国妈妈产假一结束就返回了工作岗位,所以很多小宝宝们这时就放在了专业的日托机构照顾,费用或者由公司或者父母自己来掏。这对宝宝们来说,也是学习独立的第一课。

编者注:如果想在英国寻找幼儿园或者日托,可以看看这两篇文章《在英国如何为孩子选择幼儿园》、《在英国如何找到靠谱的幼儿托管人?》了解。

孩子生病带去看医院

Healthcare: If the western child is sick, it is taken immediately to a professional doctor, and treated with appropriate drugs or nursing. Nobody guesses the symptoms with the family soothsayer, trying a few home-made potions, or discusses it for hours on the phone with people that have never met the child. We trust the professionals.

生病了怎么办:在英国,如果孩子病了,家里人马上就会带他去看医生,对症下药或者正确的日常照顾。没人向家里的老人咨询症状,或熬一副家庭传统配方药,或打给电话给某个根本没见到孩子的人询问意见。我们相信专业。

编者注:在英国带宝宝看病大家可以看看这篇《【妈妈谈】三天两夜NHS儿科住院经历与感悟》。

英国爸爸的育儿观

孩子与兄弟姐妹一起生活

Sibling rivalry & cooperation: Living with brothers and sisters can teach children many skills; fairness, sharing, patience, tact & diplomacy, negotiation & debate. They also learn to copy their behaviour and build their confidence.

手足竞争与合作:和兄弟姐妹们一起生活能教会孩子很多:关于公平、分享、耐心、周全与外交、谈判与辩护。他们同样会相互影响和支持,树立信心。

兴趣为导向的教育观

Education: Smart parents already know that education isn’t just about achievement and measurement of results. School & college is a wonderful opportunity to learn new skills, develop natural talents and widen their social circle. ‘You cannot choose your family, but at least you can choose your friends.’ Encourage your kids to follow their interests and make lots of friends.

英国爸爸的育儿观

教育:聪明的父母知道教育并不是一项成就或者能用某个结果来衡量。学校是个学习新技能,发展天赋,拓展交际圈的绝好之地。“你选择不了你的家庭,但你可以选择你的朋友。”鼓励孩子们顺应自己的兴趣,并且交很多很多的朋友。

教孩子做计划

Planning: As the child grows up, let it take responsibility for getting to school on time, and to remember all their equipment. If the child forgets, learn from the punishment or inconvenience. The child can take another step towards independence.

做计划:当孩子长大上学后,让他们学会自己承担责任,包括按时上学,收拾书包等。如果孩子忘了,他们会从因此遭受的惩罚或不便中学习到,这样也帮助孩子往独立的方向再迈进一步。

英国爸爸的育儿观

培养孩子团队合作能力

Team working: Many life skills are developed early, within a group structure. The western child learns about teams and cooperation early, whether on the sports field or the classroom, to prepare them for work and society. Few tasks in life can be accomplished without the help and understanding of others.

团队合作:很多人生技能是早期在一个群体结构中学习和发展的。英国孩子很早就认识到团队和合作精神,不管是在运动场上还在教室里,团队合作的培养能帮他们更好的为适应将来的职业和社会打下基础。人的一生当中,完全不需要来自他人的帮助或理解就可以独立完成的事,实在是太少了。

鼓励孩子幽默

Humour: Accepting that life doesn’t always go to plan, and everyone will make mistakes, it helps to keep calm and balanced with an ability to regard yourself and the situation with humour. Without face, a western child doesn’t take itself too seriously.

幽默:坦然接受生活并不会向计划那样完美,每个人都会可能犯错。这时用点适当的幽默来看待自己和现状,你会更容易保持沉着冷静和平衡心态。西方文化里,没有面子这一说,英国的孩子们也不会把自己看得那么重要或严肃。(大概这也是英国自黑文化的根基了。)

编者注:英国人的幽默基因渊源挺长的,感兴趣的读者可以阅读《英式幽默正当红》、《体验不一样的英式幽默》了解。

英国爸爸的育儿观

父母是孩子的榜样

Role models: Parents are a role model. Children learn by copying. If your behaviour is not correct, don’t be surprised that theirs isn’t too.

榜样的力量:父母是孩子天生的榜样,孩子从模仿中学习。如果你自己的上梁不正,可别奇怪孩子的下梁是个歪。

让孩子多跌倒

Let them fall over: One of the hardest things to let your child do is fail, but sometimes it is necessary. They need to learn about risk, evaluate their options, and make their own decisions. As children grow older, they cannot always have people around to ask ‘What do I do now?’. Accepting that every action has one or more consequences, and for individuals to take responsibility for your own actions is a major part of growing up.

让孩子跌倒:大概最难的事情之一就是眼睁睁的让你孩子跌倒,但有时非常必要。孩子需要自己学习风险、对自己的决策进行评估、然后做出自己的判断。孩子越长越大,他们不可能总能找到人去问“我现在该干嘛?”接受每个行为都会带来一个或多个后果。作为成长的重要一步,就是让孩子学会自己对自己的判断和行为负责。

作者: 英国范儿 | 微信: uktastes
简介: "英国范儿"微信公号是由几个非常热爱英国的主页君运营。他们对不列颠怀有深深的感情。他们都是非常好玩的人,有人中英文俱佳,有人喜欢比较东西方文化,有人行文嬉笑怒骂、中英文典故信手拈来。无论是稗官野史、风土人情、或是英文掌故,他们都能说得图文并茂、妙趣横生。
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