编者按:作者是位英国爸爸,在中国生活多年,他观察到中国父母与子女的相处之道,用他的话说“Not right, not wrong, just different.”不关乎对错,只是有不同,大家来看看这位英国爸爸的育儿观,或许能引起我们中国家长的反思。


Bonding: Western fathers are keen to take an equal role in parenting. They recognise their responsibility as a new dad, and are committed early to sharing every family task with the mother. It is common to see a proud western father walking outside, on their own, with their tiny baby. Western dad’s know that this time is special, and the mother needs to relax and feel confident to trust the dad with the baby. Perhaps because fewer western women breast-feed their offspring, father and baby can travel independently, without reliance on mother’s milk.




No laying-in: Immediately after the birth, the family are keen to share their happiness and show-off their new arrival. There are no restrictions for mother or baby. Westerners are confused with this Chinese tradition.




Independence: Generally western children are encouraged to become independent much earlier. Both in the home and school environment, there is less control, and more trust. In later life, the same philosophy is accepted by both parents and children. There is no filial piety (孝) expected or given. Beyond 18 years-old, this independence extends to finance, marriage, career choice, lifestyle, political & religious allegiance. Your responsibilities as a parent are finished – hurray!




Unconditional love: This policy separates the amount of love the parents gives to their child, from the child’s performance & behaviour. Love isn’t rewarded or denied based on academic results, or social behaviour. Every child should know that, whatever they achieve, however good or bad they are, their mother and father will love them just the same.


多陪孩子 少花钱

Mean with money, generous with time: Spending time with your child, sharing the world through their eyes, encouraging and developing their interests and imagination. In families with more than one child, it is common for the siblings to re-use the same equipment and clothes from their older brothers and sisters. This is seen as both financially efficient, and environmentally friendly. Babies grow so quickly that few things have a chance to wear out.




Open communication: Primarily, listening and talking; in every situation. Discussion and openness with daily events, both at home, and in their world. Sharing thoughts and feelings, expectations and dreams. When my son was a little boy, I was responsible for bedtime. This meant I must be home from work by 6:30pm every night, and establish the regular routine; bath, brush teeth, pyjamas, into bed, ‘best & worst bits’, story reading or telling, light off, sing lullaby, sleep.

‘Best & worst bits’ was sharing the good and bad things that happened on that particular day. I believe that mutual respect between parent and child can only be achieved through talking, and more importantly, listening. You do not have to always agree with what they say, but to hear what they think is a big step towards understanding their behaviour. This is doubly important in the teenage years.





Parental control & discipline: Grandparents and extended family have less influence in the daily life of most western children. They live apart, and see them less frequently. It is the parents who take the major caring role. This means the children learn the expected rules of behaviour directly from their parents.



Nursery (Kindergarten): Most western women return to work after maternity-leave, so that many children are placed in professional day-care, either supplied by the employer, or funded privately by the parents. This is an early introduction to the child’s need to be independent.





Healthcare: If the western child is sick, it is taken immediately to a professional doctor, and treated with appropriate drugs or nursing. Nobody guesses the symptoms with the family soothsayer, trying a few home-made potions, or discusses it for hours on the phone with people that have never met the child. We trust the professionals.





Sibling rivalry & cooperation: Living with brothers and sisters can teach children many skills; fairness, sharing, patience, tact & diplomacy, negotiation & debate. They also learn to copy their behaviour and build their confidence.



Education: Smart parents already know that education isn’t just about achievement and measurement of results. School & college is a wonderful opportunity to learn new skills, develop natural talents and widen their social circle. ‘You cannot choose your family, but at least you can choose your friends.’ Encourage your kids to follow their interests and make lots of friends.




Planning: As the child grows up, let it take responsibility for getting to school on time, and to remember all their equipment. If the child forgets, learn from the punishment or inconvenience. The child can take another step towards independence.




Team working: Many life skills are developed early, within a group structure. The western child learns about teams and cooperation early, whether on the sports field or the classroom, to prepare them for work and society. Few tasks in life can be accomplished without the help and understanding of others.



Humour: Accepting that life doesn’t always go to plan, and everyone will make mistakes, it helps to keep calm and balanced with an ability to regard yourself and the situation with humour. Without face, a western child doesn’t take itself too seriously.





Role models: Parents are a role model. Children learn by copying. If your behaviour is not correct, don’t be surprised that theirs isn’t too.



Let them fall over: One of the hardest things to let your child do is fail, but sometimes it is necessary. They need to learn about risk, evaluate their options, and make their own decisions. As children grow older, they cannot always have people around to ask ‘What do I do now?’. Accepting that every action has one or more consequences, and for individuals to take responsibility for your own actions is a major part of growing up.


作者: 英国范儿 | 微信: uktastes
简介: "英国范儿"微信公号是由几个非常热爱英国的主页君运营。他们对不列颠怀有深深的感情。他们都是非常好玩的人,有人中英文俱佳,有人喜欢比较东西方文化,有人行文嬉笑怒骂、中英文典故信手拈来。无论是稗官野史、风土人情、或是英文掌故,他们都能说得图文并茂、妙趣横生。
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